The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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