the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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