Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
