I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
