It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
