I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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