I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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