You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
