Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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