we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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