I smell stomach acid.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
