I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
