I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
