you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
