There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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