Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
