saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
