dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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