So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
