Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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