He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
