At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
