Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
