Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i think i just lost a toe
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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