why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
