You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
