I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
