Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
