If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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