the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
