Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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