I just pynch a tree in the face
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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