Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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