Having a random hookup so left but love u
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
