i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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