Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
