i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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