Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
