does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
