I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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