woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
third nipple confirmed
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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