I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
