wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
