Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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