i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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