Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
