Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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