you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Found your dick twin last night
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
