dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
