you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
