I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
